New research seems to be pointing towards a refreshed perspective of female sexual desire. What has always been known to be a complex and intricate aspect of feminine sexuality is slowly beginning to develop into an intriguing picture. Recent, and at times controversial research is indicating that in order for women to want sex, they need to feel desired by their lover. And what makes it more complicated is the fact that very often when heterosexual couples see me with a low desire issue – it is the woman who has lost desire, while the man still claims his desire. We have all heard the stories about men who are constantly rebutted when initiating sex, often creating a fracture within the entire relationship. So if women want to be desired, and men more often than not DO desire their lovers, why does such an issue arise?
Perhaps it is the nature of male desire? Perhaps within the sexual relationship, male desire had become predictable and routine? A more controversial idea claims that most female sexual dysfunction can be cured by taking a new lover – which is commonly seen in my practice. Many women in long-term relationships can attest to this – whether they have had an illicit affair or moved on from the old relationship, their invigorated sexuality is often commented upon. And equally often, the male partner seldom experiences a loss of sexual desire for his partner. What is it about the interest of a new or different male that sparks women back into their hedonistic nature?
Maybe the answer can be discovered among those who have retained equally passionate desire in longer-term relationships. Not all women lose desire or interest in sex during a long-term relationship and it may be interesting to observe those sexual interactions to glean further information on this complex topic. Having known women who exit a long-term relationship lacking in desire only to discover a new relationship where desire has remained throughout the next relationship, I enquired as to the possible reasons. One woman replied: “He has never taken my desire for granted. He has never expressed interest in me for his gain. He only engages sexually when he can feel my readiness for him.”
Which confirms one more aspect of human sexuality – inherently, men want to pleasure their partner and that is the source of their sexual desire. So how can he use this knowledge to his advantage? Perhaps the trick is to remain curious about one’s lover, even after all those years. Or perhaps, even more importantly, using her body language, movements and sounds as a guide rather than making assumptions. Or, as a more obvious sign, perhaps women are only ready when they are sufficiently lubricated… however, that is another whole blog post!