Many people express interest in having a threesome, though sometimes can’t quite imagine how it may turn out in real life. There is a lot to consider before having a threesome, and during and after too. The most important aspect of negotiating a threesome is communication, whether or not you are in a partnership. Here are some ideas about how to negotiate your first threesome.

Before the Threesome

If you have a partner, is it vital that you understand what exactly it is that you want and why you want a threesome. Before even approaching the subject, it’s really important to be clear about your motivations. Understanding what it is that you want to gain or experience from the threesome is essential to know because then you can broach the topic from this stance. Also, being clear in your own mind and expressing that clearly allows your partner to feel your clarity and integrity when you broach the topic.

Once you start to talk about it, it is important to phrase your request or desire from a place of honesty and self-awareness. This is why your motives need to be clear, so that you can express yourself from that place of transparency. Explaining the reasons for wanting a threesome prevents your partner from making assumptions about why you want a threesome, which makes the interaction much simpler for you both. If your partner feels that you are not being clear about something, it is likely that they may become defensive, potentially closing them off to the experience. Finally, don’t make it about your partner; make it about yourself and your feelings and motivations.

If you are in a partnership and looking for someone to have your first threesome with then it may be simpler to choose a stranger. If you have one with a friend then relationships may get ruined. It should be someone who you both find attractive and get along with. Also, make it someone that you both feel comfortable with. Some couples have their first threesome with a sex worker, which they report can help to alleviate nerves.

Often meeting prior to the event can relieve some of the pressure. Sometimes people meet first and get to know one another and see if everyone feels comfortable. But if you go to a swingers club then the selection process faster. If you can’t find anyone in real life, then websites like redhotpie.com.au and adultmatchmaker.com.au are great for finding like-minded people and getting to know them first. Alternatively, going to a swingers club is a relaxed setting where you can meet others who want to explore similar things.

During the Threesome

In order for everyone to feel more comfortable, it may be easier to have your threesome somewhere neutral, like a hotel. This way every one feels equal from the onset. Definitely some mood music and lighting makes it more relaxing. If you are a couple, you and your partner might want to have a romantic meal beforehand, so you feel close and connected before embarking on your adventure.

In order to relax a little, there is nothing wrong with having a drink before, but only one. The purpose of the exercise is to have a new experience, so you don’t want to blur the experience by being intoxicated in anyway. If either of you want to drink more to settle nerves, then perhaps now is not the right time to be having a threesome.

It is important that everyone feels comfortable during the threesome, and hopefully having fun. Communication is vital here. Checking in with each other to see that everyone is feeling good and enjoying themselves is important and should happen frequently. If anyone starts to feel uncomfortable, it is important that they say so and it is dealt with appropriately.

Sometimes it’s hard to know who should take the lead when it comes to a threesome. Definitely play it by ear and see how both of you feel. Whoever is less shy would more likely be the one to take the lead. It is never easy initiating sex for the first time, so whoever has more confidence might be better suited to that.

Finally, always practice safe sex. Use a condom!!

After the Threesome

While a discussion beforehand is important, you can’t predict what may arise during the threesome that could change those decisions. Stay open and honest and decide together respectfully. Sometimes partners might be surprised at how much they enjoy it while the initiator realises it’s not for them, so you can never know what will happen or how you will feel. If one partner doesn’t want it to happen again but the other is desperate for some more, then counselling might help.

If jealousy arises, it should be dealt with very openly and respectfully. The person feeling jealous must be honest about how they feel and why, while the other person should take their feelings seriously while listening actively. If either of you don’t want to have a threesome again, then this should be respected too.

Remember, if approached with honesty and integrity, a threesome is about having a novel experience. It doesn’t have to mean that one person is less interested sexually in the other. Sharing an experience like a threesome, if negotiated authentically could make you feel closer to your partner, and open you up to some exciting experiences.