It can be difficult to get out of our heads in order to be present for intimate connection, but as many of us know, once we do, it offers a host of rewards. Prioritising sex is also tricky, as once settled in an established relationship, sex tends to take a back seat. If we measure our relationship quality by the amount of sex we have could mean that finding time for sex is important, simply to keep the numbers up. Either way, there is something far more important than finding time for sex or making sure we fulfill our quota for the week.

The quality of sex we have trumps the quantity every time. Often I hear that even though a couple is having regular sex, there is still a sense of emptiness. This may equate to feeling unfulfilled intimately. It may also lead to feeling disconnected from your partner, as well as yourself. Many women complain that although the sex is regular, they are simply doing this to satisfy their partner’s needs and don’t feel the connection required for a satisfying sex life.

Reassessing the kind of sex you are having and discussing what you do and don’t enjoy about your sex life is useful. Understanding exactly where it is that you may be compromising on your own pleasure can lead to a better sex life. It might feel easier to just maintain the sexual status quo, but in doing so you may be over-riding a host of pleasures. Sometimes it is even difficult to know what you want without a protracted process of self-evaluation.

Everyone has a different idea about what good sex looks or feels like. Sometimes clients tell me that the kind of sex they have should be good, but for some reason they aren’t enjoying it as they think they should. What could be useful here is to understand why it is that you think you should be getting more pleasure from sex. What examples are you using to measure your sex life? If you are going on popular media, then it is definitely time to reassess your ideas.

The quality of sex that you are having is entirely dependent on you and your partner. Using external cues as your benchmark for good sex will only derail you and, at worst, leave you feeling inadequate. Taking the time to explore your own body, either with or without your partner, is a great way to deepen self-awareness and get to know what you prefer sexually. Taking the pressure off each partner to orgasm or show external signs of arousal can take this exploration to higher levels of satisfaction.

Understanding that we are all different and no one will want the same things in bed can remove an unnecessary pressure to perform. Discarding our ideas about what good sex should look like in favour of a more authentic appraisal may change the way you have sex. Only you know what good quality sex feels and looks like, so take the time to honour that and embody your genuine sexual expression. Remember, quality is far more important than quantity, so stop comparing yourself to others and start to listen to your own body.