Many of my clients, particularly women, come to me asking how they can have a mutual orgasm with their partner. What they are essentially asking is if they can have sex like it happens in the movies (well, most of them anyway!) This glorified perception of the mutual orgasm is invading people’s sex lives everywhere, and, it seems, getting them into some strife. Women often describe feeling pressure to have an orgasm while their partner is penetrating them, even feeling deficient in some way because they can’t oblige. They also describe that their male partners feel inadequate because they aren’t giving them these mind-blowing orgasms as they ejaculate. It is high time that the mutual orgasm myth was busted, so people can return to their normal sex lives!

Up to 75 per cent of women are unable to achieve orgasm from penetration alone. I want to repeat that, but it may look a little silly in writing, so please just re-read that first sentence a couple of times. If having an orgasm from penetration is a source of concern or worry for you, then I would suggest that the focus of sex is likely misplaced. My understanding of a generous lover is that they don’t really care how it is that you get your sexual pleasure, just that you are enjoying it. If there is some pressure (internally or externally) for you to climax during a certain moment, then it is unlikely to occur. In the face of stress or pressure, orgasm is probably the last thing your body will allow.

Whilst having an orgasm at the same time as your partner can be bonding and enhance intimacy, making it happen during penetration may not be possible. There are ways to increase your chances of having a mutual orgasm, but it takes some vulnerability and trust in your partner. Mutual masturbation is one way that you can climax at the same time; whether you are self-pleasuring or pleasuring your partner and vice versa. Another way is to have mutual oral sex, if this is what makes you climax. One way to take things to the next level is to have an eyes open orgasm. I have recently seen this concept being teased in some films, which is sad in a way, because making eye contact during orgasm can be a highly connecting experience.

Whether you want to try alternative ways to achieve mutual orgasm, or accept that mutual orgasm from penetration alone is not always achievable, it is really important to know that we are all completely different when it comes to sex. As soon as we start to compare ourselves to others, we negate the vast wisdom held within our own bodies, and place less trust in our sexuality. This alone is going to put pressure on you sexually, which never bodes well for pleasure. Letting go of expectations and assumptions around what should or shouldn’t happen during sex, and accepting your body the way it is, creates a level of self-acceptance that might open you to different forms of pleasure. Make your sex life and your orgasm and exploration, rather than a destination, and expand into your innate ability to experience pleasure in all its forms.