“Making love without communication can be likened to travelling to an unknown destination without a map or GPS.” In a recent conversation, a friend explained that without some guidance during sex, such as sounds, breath variation, movement or words, how could it be possible for our partner to know whether they are hot or cold in their pleasuring? More than that, even with the most seemingly “insensitive” person, a partner who is connected with themselves, in touch with their own body and sexually expressive can transform them into a sex god/dess in the boudoir.
At times, heterosexual women with whom I work express a common theme: in the beginning sex was mind blowing, he knew all the right moves and she had never felt so orgasmic before! Two years and a reasonable amount of history later and suddenly “all the right moves” were no longer as exciting as previously. Once the “honeymoon” phase is over (sometimes referred to as limerence), many aspects of the relationship may change. Often, the first disagreement has occurred, make up and favourite outfits have been abandoned, farting may be an accepted part of daily life and washing up together is no longer just a reason to stand closer. While these changes appear to be adapted to seamlessly, in some cases it appears that the sexual repertoire is seldom reassessed, updated or even discussed.
While in many cases it might be prudent to stick to a working model, sexual preferences and moods can change so often that it might be a good idea to try something new once in a while. To improve chances of maintaining the mind-blowing connection that you so passionately share, here are three tips for expanding your sexual range.
Take notice of which touches, caresses or movements are receiving positive responses from your lover. This can be done by looking at their facial expressions – observe if their face is signalling a pleasurable experience. Notice if the genitals are swollen, engorged or erect – often this is an indication of sexual pleasure. Listen to the sounds which you lover is making – do they indicate pleasure? And feel the movements of their body against yours – do they indicate that your lover is enjoying the experience? If you are receiving pleasure, respond to your lover’s touches and movements by making vocal sounds or physical movements. Also, using your breath as a guide may be a useful indication to your lover if they are reading your signals correctly. Be aware, however, that everyone is unique, so it may be wise to double check if you are reading the signals correctly by asking your lover.
Ask your lover if they are enjoying the sensations that they are feeling from your input. Perhaps you might ask them where else they may want to be touched – you might be surprised to receive an out of the norm request. If you are the person receiving the pleasure, communicate verbally with your lover. Encourage them with positive reinforcements like “hmmmm that’s good” or “YES, I like that!” Also, experiment with giving yourself permission to ask for something different. Often, being aware that your lover is communicating honestly can encourage more experimentation and build trust between partners.
Once sexual rapport has been established through honest communication and other mutually understood pleasure behaviours, variety might spice the experience up a little further. Being confident that trust is fundamental to sexual expression, it is time to experiment. Remember when “all the right moves” worked? That was most likely a time when your lover’s body was an unexplored playground. That was when you had no idea what would turn them on or what they might respond positively towards. That was a time when often the discovery of new pleasure spots felt like the most important part of your relationship. Interestingly, many people’s pleasure spots change on a regular basis and understanding that can take sexual exploration to new heights.
One woman who visits Conscious Intimacy reports that, in her experience, having a certain place touched on one occasion might result in unending bliss and pleasure, while on the next occasion she might receive little or no pleasure from the same touch. This is natural and a part of what makes sex so exciting. Perhaps looking at your lover in the same way you did when you were experiencing the “honeymoon” period could result in a new and even more exciting sexual and sensual adventure.